Here's my foray into politics: I would like to propose a ban on traditional marriage. I am worried that my next door neighbor's traditional marriage may negatively impact my daughter.
What is it about traditional marriage that I find so dangerous? It's not the white-washed, Zoloft-induced, fake-ass wifie's smile that hides all but the eyes which overlook the workaholic, nanny-fucking father; the Xanax-curbed, coke-bingeing, straight A daughter; and the pseudo-sexual, near suicidal, will never be Jesus son. (I actually made that all up. I really like my neighbors. But I don't think I'd like them as much as I would enjoy the middle-aged Jersey-Shoreness that the neighbors I just made up would provide. I'd save a lot on cable.) What I find so dangerous in traditional marriage is the concept of marriage itself. It becomes it's own entity. An entity with defined parameters that require "work". To be married means something (whatever that something is) whether you fit that meaning or not.
Marriage should be seen as what it is: a personal and legal symbol. Legally, it's easy: we're recognized by the state because we signed love-papers and therefore receive benefits. Personally, it is not so easy. The symbol needs to be individually and co-operatively designed, defined, refined, aligned, combined, and intertwined. It is a beautiful and unmanageable product of the love between two people. I was committed to my wife long before we had a paper-signing party (i.e. wedding day). Getting married had two purposes: the legal recognition and the opportunity to bring everyone we loved together in the same room to celebrate us.
One could argue that we have a traditional marriage. I am technically a man and my wife is technically a woman. But on closer inspection, I'd say she has significant manliness and I have significant gay-li-ness. In fact, the only differences between me and my gay friends are that I'm not sexually attracted to men and I dress poorly. Otherwise I love the theater; have no problems talking about my feelings; tend towards the dramatic; and listen to Justin Timberlake, Rihanna, and Fergie (my gay friends would be appalled by the Fergie comment). As for my wife, the only differences between her and a bulldog are that she sometimes wears lipstick; she's hot; she's intelligent; she's bipedal; she cleans up her own shit; she has normal human hygiene...I'll stop there. It appears that unlike Sarah Palin, my wife differs significantly from a bulldog in all ways except her tenacity. My point, however, is she's definitely an alpha male except without the maleness. So how traditional is our marriage?
To tell you the truth, I'm sick of people telling me what marriage should or should not be. Whether you are talking about same-sex, different-sex, mutli-sex, or whatever-sex marriage, you are making a comment on my marriage too. You suggest that the nature and purpose of my marriage is fulfilled because I have a penis and my partner has a vagina. You cannot reduce my love for my wife to easy fitting appendages. In fact, if I were gay, I wouldn't want the love I have for my partner to be so narrowly defined as it seems to be when "married" (although I would get married - and divorced like 60% of "traditional" marriages - just to tell the man to fuck himself). In fact, if I were not gay, I wouldn't want the love I have for my partner to be so narrowly defined as it seems to be when "married" (although I did get married for whatever ill-defined reason; therefore EVERYONE should be able to get married for whatever ill-defined reason even if it's just to tell the man to fuck himself).
So please, vote for Proposition 69 to ban traditional marriage. From now on, marriage is what you and your partner make it. Fuck everyone else.
It's Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve!!!
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